FIVE: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed

42. An endurance piece for girls like me

This piece can span anywhere from an hour to a lifetime

 *                *                *

A GIRL stands in regular clothing on stage

 PUMP UP music

A ritual

I.

GIRL takes off her clothing while doing a private dance.

GIRL puts on a pair of GOING OUT pants

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL puts on a CASUAL shirt to offset the GOING OUT pants

GIRL strikes a pose that suits the personality of this outfit.

GIRL imagines the persona that fits this outfit: this is the part that can take a while.

What is THIS girl named? What kind of apartment does THIS girl live in? Does THIS girl have friends over for wine? Or no, for beer? Or no, for sake? Friends with names like Constantine? Does THIS girl go dancing? Does THIS girl eat meat? How does THIS girl walk? How does THIS girl talk?

GIRL:
(Trying on the persona)
I was gonna just go smoke outside, you wanna…?

GIRL nods

Finally, GIRL does the squat test (squats to see if the pants allow for squatting)

The pants do NOT pass the squat test

GIRL takes off the pants

GIRL changes the song

II.

GIRL puts on OTHER PANTS

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL imagines the persona that fits this outfit:

What is THIS girl named? What kind of apartment does THIS girl live in? Can THIS girl name all the presidents? Does THIS girl drive a stick-shift? Can THIS girl be trusted to water the plants, feed the dog, run the business? What kind of drink does THIS girl drink?

GIRL:
I’m gonna get a beer you wanna…

GIRL squints

GIRL holds up the fabric of her shirt against the fabric of the pants

They are exactly the same color

:/

GIRL takes off the pants

GIRL changes the song

III.

It has come to this

GIRL puts on a skirt

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL imagines the persona that fits this outfit:

What is THIS girl named? What kind of apartment does THIS girl live in? Or wait does THIS girl live in a house? Yeah does THIS girl live in a house with a porch? Does THIS girl know homeopathic remedies and eat snacks out of plastic bags from her backpack? Does THIS girl make homemade wine? Does THIS girl stay up all night doing drugs in the woods with friends?

GIRL:
You know what, I never listen to messages on my phone, ha.

GIRL nods

GIRL does the BICYCLE TEST (spreading her legs, pretending to be on a bicycle)

The skirt passes the BICYCLE TEST

Something is wrong

GIRL looks at herself

It’s the shirt. The shirt is the problem.

GIRL takes off the shirt.

No, everything is the problem.

GIRL takes off the skirt

GIRL changes the song.

IV.

GIRL very warily puts on a dress

GIRL imagines the persona that fits this outfit:

GIRL cannot even bear to do another exercise

GIRL does the POCKET TEST

The dress passes the POCKET TEST (it has pockets)

GIRL nods

OKAY

V.

GIRL puts on makeup

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL:
(Softly)
Oh no no no.

GIRL washes off make-up

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL picks pieces of tissue out of her eyebrows

There are wet stains all over her dress now

Now it looks like she has been lactating

GIRL changes the song

VI.

GIRL looks at her ORIGINAL regular clothes

GIRL puts her regular clothing back on

GIRL looks at herself

GIRL imagines the persona that fits this outfit:

 This one is really difficult

 

After however long it takes

GIRL takes a deep breath, nods

A happy, wholesome self-loving ending!

VII.

GIRL heads out the door, confident!

Just when it seems everything is over:

GIRL comes back a few seconds later, remembering to turn off the pump up music

Then, when it seems everything is REALLY over

GIRL darts back in, rapidly changes her entire outfit, and heads back out the door

It LOOKS TERRIBLE. A decision anyone would regret.

BLACKOUT
 

45. A Play for children seeing a play for the first time

I.
A pizza party so that no one is hungry

II.
Half hip people wearing STREET clothing
Half Shakespeare people wearing INSANE clothing
Everyone makes a really cool beat using everyday objects (like STOMP) and also curious Elizabethan objects (like SHAKESPEARE) the audience clapping along

III.
A dance battle between the hip street people and the Shakespeare people

BATHROOM BREAK

 IV.

All the best theater magic:

A trap door
A stabbing through the heart
A floating person
Fake snow falling from the sky

V.

A big, wet smooch
 

Talkback discussion:

Whose costume do you want to try on?
Does the idea of being on stage scare you? Excite you?
Right now, are you feeling very civilized or more like an animal?

If you could put anything on a pizza, what would you pick?

Rachel Kauder Nalebuff is a playwright and the co-editor of The Feminist Utopia Project (Feminist Press, October 2015). 

FOUR: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed

15. Baby play

Note: No parents allowed in the audience. Babies only.

CECILY, proper and British, pushes a spoon of green mush towards MILLY, a baby.

MILLY doesn’t budge.

CECILY tries again, and this time, MILLY knocks the spoon out of CECILY’s hand.

Note: depending on how long the audience laughter here goes on, CECILY may draw out the physical comedy—looking startled, accidentally spilling mush onto dress as she picks up the spoon etc

CECILY:
CLARENCE!

CLARENCE, also proper and British, enters running, a bowtie around his neck.

CLARENCE:
What is it darling?

 CECILY:
She’s doing it again.

CLARENCE:
Darling – my little Milly love – mummy and daddy have to go to the opera and you must eat your Spinach before we leave or we’ll…

Suddenly, the sound of thunder and lightning.

MILLY stands in her high chair and speaks in a deep, booming voice, as if channeling a primordial baby god.

FREAKY MILLY:
LISTEN TO ME NOW

CECILY:
Goodness Milly—

CLARENCE:
Darling, she’s speaking, she’s / speaking!

FREAKY MILLY:
(Imitating adults)
BABABABAP! IT’S MILLY’S TURN

(Here again, FREAKY MILLY may have to wait to continue until the audience laughter dies down)

FREAKY MILLY:
AND MILLY SAYS: THERE WILL BE NO MORE CARROT SMUSH IN JAR!
THERE WILL BE NO MORE PACKETS AND TUBES OF SQUIRTABLE FOOD
HAVE YOU TRIED THIS SHIT
SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU TRIED ANY OF THIS SHIT
ONCE
IN PREHISTORIC CAVES
WE ATE THE SAME RAW BISON FLESH AS YOU
AND NOW
FOOD FOR BABIES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WHAT IF YOU COULD ONLY EAT “FOOD FOR MOMS”
OR “FOOD FOR FAIRLY SENSITIVE MEN”
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE DO YOU UNDERSTAND!

Another jolt of thunder, terrifying CECILY and CLARENCE

CECILY + CLARENCE:
We understand, yes!

Suddenly the lights change and MILLY returns to her normal baby self, burping and seeming entirely unaware of the transformation.

CLARENCE:
Oh darling, she’s back! Our beautiful baby girl is back!

CECILY:
Oh darling Milly, love, little darling Milly, we promise you—whatever it is that we’re eating – we’ll blend it for you and it shall be yours. The finest cakes, the ripest cherries, the freshest fish.

MILLY claps her hands.

CLARENCE:
Cecily, I must admit I’m in a bit of a state of shock still—do you…of course we still can, we’d just have to call a carriage right now, but on the off chance—

CECILY:
No I don’t want to go to the opera at all!

CLARENCE:
Oh thank goodness, me neither!

CECILY:
Darling, there are moments when you say just the right thing.

CLARENCE:
Moments?

CECILY:
Milly dearest, mummy and daddy aren’t going to go the opera after all!

 CLARENCE:
Yes, we’re staying home.

CECILY:
We’re going to make silly faces with you all night.
Yes we are.

CLARENCE:
Yes we are.

CECILY and CLARENCE make silly faces at MILLY, and then continue for the audience: expressing a whole spectrum of joyful and outlandish expressions, occasionally making farting sounds, smushing their faces into odd shapes– all sorts of physical comedy that babies love.

The End

20. Hidden Track

ACT I

ACT II

ACT III
 

Just when the audience applause begins to die down and a few audience members go to pick up their bags— AN ENTIRELY NEW AND UNRELATED PLAY BEGINS!!

THREE: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed

6. GOODBYE!

A yearly ritual for the performance community
 

I.

Every ballerina in the city who’s been injured or aged out of the profession within the previous year is on stage, wearing black.

One by one, they each take two-minute turns performing their favorite moves from performances over the course of their careers. If they are unable to perform the moves, they can describe them.

Once everyone has had their turn, the group curtsies and bows and then waves goodbye in that ballerina way, sashaying off stage.


II.

All the actors in the city who’ve given up their dreams of becoming an actor within the previous year gather on stage, wearing black.

They take turns performing the first lines of their favorite monologues.

Then, in sync, everybody LAUGHS. Then CRIES. Then looks TERRIFIED, then ANGRY, then BLISSFUL, then WISTFUL, like those happy-sad drama masks.

Everyone bows in the actor way, where the most famous people go last.

III.

All the women in the city who, within the previous year, have stopped caring, come on stage, wearing black.

As if in front of an invisible mirror, everyone makes an outlandishly minuscule adjustment to her outfit.

One by one, the women share a line from their pasts, e.g. “What can I get you?” or “One second, let me just put my face on!”

 After, everyone explodes in laughter, some accidentally letting out farts, others showing off gold teeth, as they smile and bow, clasping hands.

CURTAIN.

9.  COLORS

An actor physically passes through all the colors of the rainbow

We watch as his/her skin changes.

Suggested techniques:

RED:
—A boiling shower
—a sunburn
—jumping in place wearing a trash bag outfit
—a celebrity encounter

ORANGE:
—eating 100 carrots

YELLOW:
—jaundice

GREEN:
—rolling naked down a grassy hill
—food poisoning

BLUE:
—ten minutes in a freezing pool
—all day in the snow
—holding the breath

PURPLE:
—Combo of any red and blue
e.g. going skiing with Gael Garcia Bernal!

TWO: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed

4. WHO DID IT

Suspenseful music.

Suddenly, a terrible, sulfuric smell erupts somewhere in the theater.

Every audience member is given a short questionnaire, asking them to pick the person most likely to have “done” it.

Everybody eyes everybody else very suspiciously. No one can be trusted.

Dancers enter from the wings to entertain everyone as the results are processed back stage.

A BELL RINGS and an MC wearing a full tuxedo appears.

He taps a standing microphone, the dancers shimmying off stage.

MC

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please.

The room is silent. Someone gasps. An old woman in a fur coat faints.

MC

It appears we have come to a rather unanimous conclusion
about who amongst you
did it.

A significant percentage of the room thought it was….

A drum roll.

MC

(Pointing to the audience member with the most votes)

YOU!!!

Two ushers immediately assist this unfortunate audience member out of the theater. It should feel exceedingly humiliating.

Everybody waves goodbye to “the farter”

As a gesture of reconciliation, upon exiting the theater, “the farter” is given a *COUPON FOR A FREE VACATION TO BERMUDA*!!!!!!

5. THE THINGS THAT CANNOT BE SAID

Inside your FORMER LOVER’s room, after they’ve fallen asleep.

YOU, wearing a hooded robe, lie very carefully on the bed, so as not to wake them up and whisper:

YOU:
I miss you.

I stole all your books.

And there’s a part of me — a small province – that’s still fully yours

It’s called [insert your FORMER LOVER’s first name]-Land

Because here’s one thing I think: you never stop loving someone you’ve loved.

So that means:

OPTION here to shed a hot tear

 There’s a part of me that loves you now.

There’s a part of me that will love you tomorrow

 Or when I’m driving fast

or trying on wigs at the store and having the time of my life

 as I’m cleaning a snack out of my dentures

as I /

Suddenly, your FORMER LOVER wakes up.

 BUT BEFORE they can be startled to see you /call the police (THIS MUST BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS!!!):

YOU snap your fingers and the orchestra (a harp + wind instruments) awaiting your queue outside the window begin to softly play. CALMLY (panic will give you away!!!!!), you do a spooky dance in your hooded robe and chant:

YOU:
This is a dreaaaaam.

This is definitely a dreaaaaam.

Tomorrow when you remember this, this will aaaaall seem like a dream.

A troupe of dancers in wood nymph costumes emerge from the closet, confirming the dreaminess. The spectacle here can be more or less elaborate depending on the budget, closet size etc.

YOU give your FORMER LOVER a quick kiss before jumping out the window: the orchestra waiting below with a trampoline to catch the fall.      

ONE: 50 Plays That Should NEVER Be Performed

1. 

       The most beautiful actress in the city walks on stage
       graciously encouraging/receiving applause.

       Then, she cuts off all her hair.

2.  INAPPROPRIATE BOOB PLAY
 

A SCIENTIST walks amongst the audience, carrying a clipboard, surveying everyone’s boobs. This must feel entirely matter-of-fact (as if noting eye color).

Audience member by audience member, the SCIENTIST glances at everyone’s chest, and notes their boob size out loud using the size chart below. If anyone seems offended, the SCIENTIST must reassure them e.g. exclaiming “Oh I love French apricots! Don’t we all!,” encouraging everyone in the audience to murmur in agreement.

SIZE CHART:

Extra teeny: peas

Teeny: French apricots

Extra small: potatoes
Small: bunched-up gloves
Small-medium: little fists

Medium: avocados
Medium-big: Chinese take-out containers

Big: aubergines
Really big: cabbages

Even bigger: heads

After recording the data for all the boobs, the SCIENTIST returns to the stage.
 

THE SCIENTIST:

(Looking out at the audience)

I would like one woman from each category to please join me here on stage.
Starting with peas and French apricots on this side
and the cabbages and heads on the other.
Thank you!

A woman from each group steps forward and onto the stage, forming a long row.
The SCIENTIST finds her proper spot in the line.

THE SCIENTIST:

Ah. I believe I belong here—right between the (fruit to her left) and the (fruit to her right).
Yes. Now!
We are going to create a powerful wave.
So powerful it may, as I have evidence to believe,
break through a sound barrier heretofore unreached by man.

Starting with the peas, French apricots, and potatoes, we’ll go in order.

She demonstrates by lifting and dropping her own breasts.
 

THE SCIENTIST:
Yes?
Alright!

The women nod. They are ready.

Suddenly, a dramatic and ethereal musical scale, which accompanies THE BOOB WAVE.

This happens several times, back and forth, until the great awakening is achieved.

 

Rachel Kauder Nalebuff is a playwright and the co-editor of The Feminist Utopia Project (Feminist Press, October 2015).