Day 5

pirouettes 


woke up and started doing pirouettes in my childhood bedroom
i want to be a ballerina
i want to be a pilgrim in the Thanksgiving play
i want the length of my legs to be long and i want my body to be the right shape
i want to be your love,
i want you to notice the forever in my eyes that has been there forever
i want you to see my childhood dance photos
i want to spin into oblivion

we will be by the water when i will tell you i have loved you quietly for months
we will be at the ballet
i will teach you how to arabesque, how to plié, how to suspend in the air
and i am low maintenance, i am only low, my beauty is unseen
and i want your accompaniment, i want your perspective
i cannot take a leap without thinking of you

i will arrive at your show wearing red lipstick and the silk dress that i can take off as easily as i put on
and i will beg you silently to love me, to hear unthinkable declarations coming out of your mouth
i will have visions of the playground love
and of the way my feet arch and twirl me around

and i will meet you anywhere you like,
i will go back in time
we can dance together in my old bedroom,
i can show you my high school, the hallways i used to dream in
and i will want to pirouette with you
i will be my old self
straight into your arms

This poem is from Amanda Dissinger's first collection of poetry, 'This is How I Will Tell You I Love You' out now via Bottlecap Press (link here: http://bottlecap-press.myshopify.com/products/dissinger). The book release party will be taking place at Brooklyn's Baby's All Right, Saturday June 6th at 1pm with poetry readings (including Potluck contributor Eric Silver) and musical performances. More info is here: http://babysallright.ticketfly.com/event/845257-amandas-book-release-party-brooklyn/

Day 4

state line
 

I was stuck behind a woman in Whole Foods today that talked loudly about her best friend running off with a 20 year old Greek jeans model

(what i’m trying to say is there are crazier things than the way i feel about you)
 

sometimes I am trapped in the tunnel and I want to scream your name to have a part of you with me
sometimes everyone wears your face and I come undone
sometimes I want an IV of your voice into my bloodstream
sometimes I need to know I am the only one that turns your lights on 

and have I told you that Bowery is my favorite street in the city and there is an outdoor cafe that I picture us sitting at, even in the cold?
have i told you about the night i walked eight miles and learned the words to all your songs?
have i told you i have tap danced for every other lover beside you? 
have I told you this love is full circle, a grand opening? 
have I told you that you are all of my favorite things and that my desire for you is spelled with more letters than just six?
I know it’s not smart to show you my hand, but these are my best cards yet
goddamn the things I would do for you
goddamn this fire you set without matches

I am an undercover wreck and all I want is you
your bottom lip, tattooed flowers, your weekends
unbridled, unbound me and explosive, immensive you

This poem is from Amanda Dissinger's first collection of poetry, 'This is How I Will Tell You I Love You' out now via Bottlecap Press (link here: http://bottlecap-press.myshopify.com/products/dissinger). The book release party will be taking place at Brooklyn's Baby's All Right, Saturday June 6th at 1pm with poetry readings (including Potluck contributor Eric Silver) and musical performances. More info is here: http://babysallright.ticketfly.com/event/845257-amandas-book-release-party-brooklyn/

Day 3

interlude

we are rapid succession
stop making me feel bad when i wildfire
when i talk too much
you’re like choking on nothing
like seeing something that isn’t there
like stoplights like golights
you wanted a prairie, i gave you infinite oceans, infinite archipelagoes

and words you can’t say

i imagine the night that i lose you will be windy,
will be dustblown, guaranteed
and guarantee you’ll never see me in a nightgown
never know the true color my eyes turn when they look at you

i imagine the night that i lose you to the prairies,
to the snow, to Paris, to the lights, that we are ice skating
that we are talking about how we’ll feel when we finally see that rainbow
i keep imagining the night that i will lose you,i keep holding on to the things that have been promised to never be lost

i believe you rapidly, successfully
i roll under, i am anew,
i am absorbed and without poise
interlude

This poem is from Amanda Dissinger's first collection of poetry, 'This is How I Will Tell You I Love You' out now via Bottlecap Press (link here: http://bottlecap-press.myshopify.com/products/dissinger). The book release party will be taking place at Brooklyn's Baby's All Right, Saturday June 6th at 1pm with poetry readings (including Potluck contributor Eric Silver) and musical performances. More info is here: http://babysallright.ticketfly.com/event/845257-amandas-book-release-party-brooklyn/

Day 2

cross over

the breeze blew sweet, reminded me of our summer selves
the things we said in breakback august, sitting on your rooftop in the
dragdown brooklyn heat

we were always a little afraid of our fall selves
afraid of our ambitions, afraid of actually doing the things we always
dreamed about
afraid like a schoolgirl on a sunday night
talking about the things we will change come labor day,
talking about the people whose names we won’t carry around in our throats
once the leaves change

remember the time we fell asleep with the lights on?
remember when i knew your 5am?
remember when you knew how my bones felt underneath you?
remember when you finally untied your bow of inconsistence?
my winter self has always been a summer shell
i am living out of my body come December
the sweet and wayward words of july,
a hazy sugary mess of a dream

remember the pretty girlfriends, the ways we still tried?
remember the taste of your birthday cake and how we left it in the moonlight?
remember the way that you burned coffee beans every single morning just for the smell
remember the things i can’t recall?

let’s not be afraid this year, let’s do what we feel is right in our sun-ridden bones
or we could defy growing older, stay on your rooftop, dizzy with dreaming
don’t let anything drag us down this time

This poem is from Amanda Dissinger's first collection of poetry, 'This is How I Will Tell You I Love You,' out now via Bottlecap Press. The book release party will be taking place at Baby's All Right in Brooklyn, NY on Saturday June 6th at 1pm with poetry readings (including Potluck contributor Eric Silver) and musical performances. More info is available here.

Day 1

i am: a personal poem revisited after seven years

all those years ago 
when i said i was like wildfire, i was more like a brush fire 
when i said i was an artist, i was in love with the idea of art 
and now 
i am still
i am bare bones
i am too true
i am too fragile
i don’t exist in full form yet
i cut off all the hair you weren’t sure about that i still wanted
my body is too much
my vessels are too new 
i wear 11pm on a saturday the same way i wear 8am on a monday morning
i am too Columbus

it sometimes gets so hard wearing this goddamn smile on my face 

i want a steamboat
i want a green garden
i want to not trip on black ice 
i want to want the things that other people want sometimes
i want to know you exist out there somewhere 
and i am not Juliet
i am not a bombshell
i am not the girl you will go up to at a bar for one sole purpose 
(and am i any less for wanting that sometimes?)
i am not beautiful, i am only smart 
but what happens when i am only smart sometimes?
what happens when the closest thing to happiness is loneliness?

and if you wonder how i am 
i look exactly the same, i am the way you left me,
i am the way you didn’t want me
if you wonder how i am,
i will tell you i am more cultured now
i will tell you i feel less, so i can get on with more
i will tell you i hardly think about  you
(i am a great architect) 

the last thing i’ll ask is
would you have thought i was more beautiful if you met me when i wasn’t eating?

This poem is from Amanda Dissinger's first collection of poetry, 'This is How I Will Tell You I Love You,' out now via Bottlecap Press. The book release party will be taking place at Baby's All Right in Brooklyn, NY on Saturday June 6th at 1pm with poetry readings (including Potluck contributor Eric Silver) and musical performances. More info is available here.